It Stands to Reason
by YAXON
Summary: ... that if Tsunade's 'good luck' brings about misfortune for her and her allies, then her great misfortune would bring about her enemies' misfortune. ... Or if you prefer, her allies' 'good luck'. Whichever's easier to comprehend. Set after Pain Invasion - alternate downfall of the Akatsuki. Crackfic. One-shot.


Winning bets has never been a very good thing for Tsunade Senju. Oh, she's a raging alcoholic who _loves_ to gamble, but it's more of a… comfort thing. She largely does it in the hopes that someday she'll win a bet and there won't be any consequences. It follows, then, that Tsunade's "good luck" is well-disguised misfortune for her and her acquaintances. Why, just look at what happened to Jiraiya.

But what if the opposite ever happens? True, Tsunade loses her bets more often than not and nothing happens… but we're not talking run-of-the-mill misfortune here. We're talking, "Wow. The village was destroyed and Tsunade wound up in a coma," misfortune. Now sure. It could be argued that Naruto turning up at the last minute, defeating the opponents that vexed the entire village, and then convincing said opponents to revive all the villagers was a spot of really, really good luck.

… Yet look at the downside. People lost their _homes_ in this attack. You can be all touchy-feely and say that a village isn't a collection of buildings, that it's the _people_ who truly matter. However, most of those "people" would probably curse you rather violently if you said that to their faces right now. Don't look at us like that. These people are deprived of modern conveniences like toilet paper. They have to all _go out into the woods_ and trust their makeshift TP isn't poison ivy. That's rather unfortunate.

Moreover, think of the trauma that dying and immediately being resurrected has been wrought on the people. Especially those who had been confined to the hospital due their poor health conditions. They are in critical states because of a terrorist who was _merciful_ after levelling the village. Yeah, they'd probably curse you real good, too. So no touchy-feely crap, 'kay?

And finally, of course, the Hokage… Tsunade Senju is now in a coma. She overexerted herself trying to keep as many villagers alive as possible, which is admirable. Very admirable. However, her comatose state has resulted in certain… nefarious political bullshitters becoming very bold. Nefarious political bullshitters who are _paranoid_ and universally despised. People you can't really touch because they probably have blackmail on you from when you were an inquisitive adolescent. Or something. We don't know, nobody's really making successful counterarguments to their rise in power.

All in all, quite a bit of misfortune, wouldn't you say? The last time Tsunade experienced misfortune on a scale like this, the Hidden Leaf won the Third Great Ninja War rather handily (though you didn't hear that from us, because the Hidden Leaf's PR department prefers to focus on the bold new generation that stepped up… oh, and the Yellow Flash. Can't forget him). So what, exactly, is going to happen now? If Tsunade's loved ones suffer for her atrocious good luck, how will her village's enemies fare with outstanding bad luck like this?

* * *

"So, there's just three of us left, eh?" Kisame Hoshigaki let out a bitter chuckle as Zetsu reported the failed invasion of the Hidden Leaf. "We're out a leader and we still need two Tailed Beasts. How the hell did we come to this?"

"Pain was never _really_ the Leader, silly Kisame," White Zetsu teased. Black Zetsu added in his rough voice, " **We still have the Tailless Tailed Beast, an impressive spy network courtesy of yours truly, and Uchiha Madara. I think our chances are still pretty good.** "

Kisame scoffed.

"Leader had the fucking _Rinnegan_ , which _supposedly_ belonged to the former Kami of Shinobi! And he still lost spectacularly. I'll grant you that I'm not going down without a fight. Hell, I'll go and fetch you the Eight-Tails' Jinchuriki without a fuss. But if you want the Nine-Tails, I'm leaving that to _you_ idiots, 'cause I'm not going to be anywhere near that Jinchuriki until he's out cold. I'm not going to be convinced to become a fucking fisherman because of a brat who doesn't even know me thinks that he knows my entire life story."

"That's fair," White Zetsu said soothingly. "Tobi can handle the Nine-Tails just fine. He was the one responsible for the Nine-Tails' attack sixteen years ago, isn't that right, Tobi? … Tobi?"

Both sides of Zetsu and Kisame stared at the nefarious orange-mask-wearing psycho, who seemed strangely… panicked. He was scratching at his mask, and when he spoke, that overconfidence that he usually had when he wasn't pretending to be a six-year-old was nonexistent. He sound hysteric.

"Wh-What's going on?! Why is it suddenly gone dark?! Zetsu, this better not be your idea of a joke…"

Zetsu cocked his head at his supposed leader.

"Dark? I admit we're in a dark cave right now, but that's what all our bases are like…"

"Yeah," Kisame nodded in agreement. "We can still see in here; it's not pitch black."

"YES IT IS!" Tobi shouted hysterically, still in that Serious Uchiha Madara voice. "I can't see a dang blasted thing! Somebody flip the lights back on!"

There was a long, _looong_ silence following that exclamation. Nobody seemed to have any idea what had gotten into Tobi. No one, that is, except Black Zetsu.

" **I was afraid this might happen eventually… Tobi, you overused your damn Kamui. Normal Mangekyo Sharingan will eventually result in the user's blindness, and using their hax powers will only speed up the whole process. I'm amazed it took you, like, seventeen to eighteen years to spam it enough times to get to this point. I'm sure the implanted Zetsu bits on your right side bought you every second, because I hear that Kakashi Hatake has already been losing his eyesight, and he's only used Kamui a handful of times.** "

Kisame stared at the plant man in awe.

"That's the most I've heard you say in a long time… So you're saying Tobi's blind as a bat now, and he probably won't be able to use that Kamui or whatever anymore… I'm assuming that's the power that makes Tobi-chan intangible and stuff."

"Yes it is," White Zetsu confirmed, but then he shook his head. "But no… I think Tobi can still use Kamui, he'll just have to rely on his left eye to see from now on. … At least when he's in the midst of battle."

"Left eye?" Kisame asked in disbelief, motioning at Tobi's mask. "He's got the one eyehole! I thought that meant he didn't have a left eye anymore."

Kisame grunted when Zetsu shook his head again.

"Implanted Sharingan cannot be turned off. The eye in his left socket was not his originally, so he's had to keep it covered up to prevent that eye from overexertion. Even Tobi would drop dead from the Sharingan draining his Chakra reserves constantly. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say."

Kisame seemed incredulous at that bit of information, pointing another accusing finger at Tobi.

"Bullshit. Just because you cover it up doesn't mean it's not at work! It's just 'analyzing' the backside of his mask! If that Sharingan's been draining him dry from being active all the time, he should've been dead ages ago."

Zetsu shrugged helplessly.

"He… keeps his eyelid closed, too. And… that way it's not draining him as much…" He coughed awkwardly when that explanation still didn't satisfy Kisame. "… Look, just forget it. He's got an implanted Sharingan and he's still alive. That's what matters."

The two of them turned when they heard Madara sigh and pull out an identical orange swirly mask… that had the eyehole on the left side.

"I never thought I'd have to use this, but I'm going to have to skip ahead a little… I so wanted to antagonize the Kage Summit, but it looks like I won't be able to. I need Pain's Rinnegan so that I don't die of Chakra depletion." He swapped the masks flawlessly without revealing his face to Kisame. "Kisame. Your assignment remains unchanged. Fetch the Eight-Tails and bring it back here for extraction. Seeing as how there's just three of us left, it'll probably take a couple weeks to extract the Eight-Tails… but we don't have time to seek replacements. I don't trust the Five Kage to keep to the status quo, so we will just assume they are going to band together to defeat us. In which case, the Rinnegan will be doubly necessary."

Kisame briefly got caught up in the bright, hypnotic glow of Tobi's normal Sharingan. Pretty shiny red.

"Um… and what about Zetsu?" He asked carefully.

" **Can't let Tobi go into the Hidden Rain alone, even with his Sharingan hax,** " Zetsu muttered. "We will be accompanying him, and hopefully go behind Konan-chan's back if she decides to turn on us. While she's too distracted warding off Tobi, we'll dig around for the pretty purple orbs."

"Riiight…" Kisame sweatdropped. "You do that. Later."

Kisame walked off without another word, and Tobi departed with Zetsu for the Hidden Rain…

* * *

"Geez. I didn't think you'd be coming so soon."

Tobi and Konan were in a faceoff on the Hidden Rain Village's tallest tower. Tobi snorted at the bluenette's statement.

"Something came up, and I needed Nagato's Rinnegan. Where did you store his body?"

Konan meaningfully paused as she looked off to the side.

"… Follow me." She transformed into a flurry of paper that neatly folded into cute little butterflies. Tobi used Kamui again to follow her, but she led him to the lake just outside the city limits. He scowled when he reappeared and witnessed her stand her ground. Not that she could see beneath his mask.

"I see you are not going to cooperate. I wonder if you'll be singing the same tune once you peer into my Sharingan…"

"You won't get the chance." Konan replied cryptically, and parted her arms grandiosely.

Tobi raised a curious eyebrow at the strange gesture, but he really shouldn't have dropped his guard… because he was now falling into a pit with an unforeseeable end, as the water beneath him was parting, revealing that there was a shit ton of paper beneath the water. He prepared to Kamui his way out of this, but a few papers flew off the new walls to attach to his personage, and only continued to come at him when he made parts of himself intangible. His Sharingan got a good look at the papers… they were friggin' paper bombs. _He was in a makeshift canyon of paper bombs_. How the _hell_ had Konan gotten her hands on so much of this crap? She must've killed a thousand forests.

Deidara would have pissed himself if he saw this.

"I've had the chance to study your abilities for a while now…" Konan told the masked Uchiha coldly. "You can only remain intangible for a maximum of five minutes. I've only recently amassed 600 billion paper bombs, and they will all explode for a consecutive ten minutes. You are finished."

Tobi gritted his teeth and knew there was only one way out of this… He had had no idea that Konan had been studying his battle style so intensely. However, one thing she did _not_ know he had… was a Jutsu that basically rewrote reality in his favor, provided he give up the light in that eye. Hell no he did not like giving up his only remaining eye that could see… But if he wanted to live and stab that bitch Konan in the back, it was a necessary evil. He would just have to trust that she had no other nasty tricks waiting for him…

Thank Kami Zetsu was poking around for the Rinnegan. He would need a new working eye…

Tobi performed Izanagi when Kamui's time was about to expire. From there, he didn't bother waiting in order to give Konan the illusion of victory. He didn't have that luxury anymore; he was blind in both eyes now. With a Chakra Rod he coldly stabbed Konan through where her heart was the last time he saw it. He heard and felt it go through something, but it was not flesh. He cursed when Konan's body burst into papers that instantly turned on him and slashed him all over. He couldn't see, but he _knew_ that was a Paper Clone.

Damn her for thinking two steps ahead of him.

"Nice try, but I'm not an idiot, standing too close to the edge like that. I didn't know what you would come up with, but I _knew_ you had a last resort."

Tobi snarled and whirled in the general direction of Konan's voice. He then unleashed a barrage of Fuma-style shuriken through his Kamui, but _of course_ when they scored hits, Konan dissolved into irritating paper and slashed into him again and again.

"Papercut, papercut, papercut…!" Tobi wheezed through gritted teeth. That last one… came _a little too close_ to the family jewels there…

"It's over. Shikigami Dance…"

Tobi choked and his eyes widened as a paper spear burst through where his heart once was. He wasn't even allowed time to _try_ and attempt Izanagi with his Mangekyo, blind as it already was. The wound was too grave, too fatal, and the former Missing-nin wound up sinking into the now-bloodied water. His final thought being… that perhaps he should have run when he succeeded with Izanagi. At least then Zetsu could have brought the Rinnegan to him…

But no. Now he would never get a chance to see the Infinite Tsukuyomi purify the world. He would have to rely on his… underlings… to finish the job for him…

" _That_ was for Nagato…" The Paper Clone of Konan shed a single tear before dispersing into a flurry of paper. Her original had some loose ends to tie up…

* * *

Black Zetsu cackled when he finally stumbled upon the special shrine housing the original leaders of Akatsuki. Well, their corpses. With both Rinnegan in his pocket, he could afford to risk leaving one with Obito, because even if the brat ended up being a turncoat, he could force someone, _anyone_ , to resurrect Madara.

If he had a proper mouth, Black Zetsu would be scowling down at the white-headed Uzumaki. As it was, White Zetsu was doing that for him, 'cause he was just as irritated with the traitorous bastard.

" **And now, you insufferable brat, it is time for you to…** " Black Zetsu lifted up an eyelid and twitched when he saw an empty eye socket. There wasn't one in the other eye socket, either. " **Alright, that's it… EVERYBODY DIES…** "

He was _not_ going to wait around for Mother's revival. They were _so close_. Two more Tailed Beasts, and then Madara would become the Ten-Tails' Jinchuriki and be the host for Mother… Only problem was, the Rinnegan _were not here_. If they were indeed gone from this world, Black Zetsu was going to lose it for real…

"I knew Tobi wouldn't come alone."

Both sides of Zetsu whipped up to see Konan floating in the air with her trademark angelic wings. Her eyes were closed. When they reopened, Black Zetsu cackled gleefully. Looked like he wouldn't be needing that brat Obito after all…

" **I take it Tobi's dead… That's a shame. Akatsuki's down** _ **another**_ **member, but that's okay… You'll make everything right again.** "

For indeed, Konan was now the bearer of the Rinnegan. What better way to safeguard the eyes that would inevitably be sought out than to implant them into your own eye sockets? … You know, aside from grinding them into dust.

Zetsu freaked when some invisible appendage hoisted him up. The summoned Chameleon revealed itself, but it did not deter the black half from breaking off and making a lunge for Konan. He was utterly shocked when Konan beat him back with an Almighty Push and pinned him down with Chakra Receivers that had been taken from Yahiko's corpse, courtesy of Naruto.

" **You think this will stop me? I more or less** _ **created**_ **…** " Black Zetsu shivered when Konan's Will seeped into the rods and immobilized him. Well, not permanently, 'cause Black Zetsu was a tenacious son-of-a-bitch, but long enough for Konan to drop down and make just one more summoning. One that only Black Zetsu and Konan could see.

The King of Hell.

"I had a feeling you were unusual, Zetsu… So I will seal you with this. Tell me, who is in charge of Akatsuki?" She asked rhetorically, knowing that was a question that Black Zetsu would not want to answer, even in his desperation to escape. The King of Hell's tongue held the creature firmly in place.

" **No… No…!** " Black Zetsu snarled. The King of Hell wasn't meant to be used like this…! It was supposed to be used to achieve Akatsuki's ends. And still, he could only keep his silence. Partially because Konan's Chakra Receivers still had him immobilized, and partially because, well… Even if he told the truth, he would be severely weakened. That's just how the King of Hell worked.

It was the best option, and yet he suspected Konan had… other means to keep him imprisoned. He knew this was Game Over, and this pissed him off to no end. He let out an otherworldly screech as the King of Hell slurped him up. Because when you got right down to it… His body was different from the ordinary man's. It was more Chakra than flesh, so the King of Hell sucked it aaall up.

And then Black Zetsu disappeared with the King of Hell. White Zetsu looked on in horror.

"With those two taken care of, Akatsuki is finished." Konan murmured and finally turned her attention to White Zetsu. "I think I'll keep you alive long enough to determine what Akatsuki has left up its sleeve… Kisame is still out there, and so is the Gedo Statue… But if I remember correctly, there were some more of _you_ running around…"

White Zetsu gulped. He could only hope she didn't use the Human Path to interrogate him…

* * *

In the end, Akatsuki made no comeback. White Zetsu Clones were running around like headless chickens now that Black Zetsu was just _gone_ , so Kisame had no substitute when the Raikage and his entourage came to rescue his younger brother. Ironically enough, Team Taka still attempted attacking the Kage Summit to get at Danzo, but without Akatsuki to reinforce them, their assassination attempt was a _joke_.

Suigetsu was recaptured by the Mizukage and taken back to the Hidden Mist. Jugo was taken out by a combo of the Sand Siblings and Danzo's entourage – he was killed because he was judged to be unstable. Fu and Torune plainly captured Karin, because as one of the only surviving Uzumaki, she would still be of use to Danzo and Root.

And Sasuke? Well… It was a close thing, but he _did_ manage to outwit Danzo and kill him. Over and over and over because of the damn Izanagi. Kind of like a fucked up game of whack-a-mole. In the end, Sasuke was victorious. But then he in turn was wiped out by the Tsuchikage and Raikage. Because screw it all, it was _one fucking Uchiha and a ragtag team of misfits_ against the Five Kage. No Tobi to bail them out. No Zetsu to screw with everyone not affiliated with Akatsuki. Sasuke just got lucky because nobody liked Danzo, so they all mutually agreed to let him have his petty revenge before he was summarily executed for his crime of kidnapping Killer Bee and assisting the Akatsuki.

There was no Fourth War on the horizon just yet, but Kabuto Yakushi _was_ still out there doing his own thing. He just didn't have Madara Uchiha's Reanimation because he had no idea where the man's corpse was… or that he was even dead. He still had a decent assortment of gifted shinobi, so he could do just about anything he wanted… within reason. But the Five Great Nations were doing a pretty good job of keeping him in check.

Oh, and the Hidden Rain was on its way to being one of the Greats, because you just don't fuck with the Hidden Rain Village. Not when it has an 'Angel' with the Rinnegan and a nigh well unstoppable statue with seven Tailed Beasts contained within. But maybe… just maybe… an agreement is hashed out that sees the Tailed Beasts returned to their former villages. In return, the Great Nations go elsewhere for their petty squabbles and don't set a foot in the Land of Rain or there would be **Consequences**.

A world that wasn't quite sorted out, but a ton of its issues were dealt with. The remaining members of Team Seven, minus Kakashi, were pissed for a time that Sasuke was executed, but over time they had to face facts that Sasuke _had_ been a criminal, a high profile one at that. So the Hidden Leaf was just thankful overall that the other Kage didn't see fit to march on their borders to make the Great Nations four instead of five – if only because of Danzo's past transgressions.

Yet the Great Toad Elder had a webbed hand over his face for many days because the future was so in-flux… All because of one Tsunade Senju and her bout of great misfortune. Perhaps she should suffer misfortune more often...?

* * *

 **Author's Note: ... This came to me when I reread a crackfic recently. One much sillier than this, but my point stands. I wanted to write the further degradation of Akatsuki when it was just down to Kisame, Zetsu, and Tobi... 'cause that's always fun. XD**

 **Hope you enjoyed it a little.**


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